His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's shark week go big or go home
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
