I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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