I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
