I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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