So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
