i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
