you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
