I'm gonna have a badass scar
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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