I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
