It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
