He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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