this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
