I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
