I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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