I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
me + whiskey = a bad person
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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