sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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