Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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