Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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