I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I intend to get homeless drunk
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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