I need to stop coming to work sober
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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