dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
