So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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