Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
