I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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