Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
