Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
