This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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