Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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