i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
