I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
