my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
