I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Randomize
