omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
