just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
