I looked at my own cervix.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
