I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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