Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
