chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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