I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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