Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
