Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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