Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
