New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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