i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
