Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
