God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
