I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
