I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
