I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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