Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
